Consistently Random

Wholesale Fun!

2009-08-17T20:17:00.000-07:00

Let me first state that I am not feeling my best. I went to the Dr. on Monday for dizziness and nausea; I left with sinus medication. The dizziness and nausea have subsided, but have been replaced with a constant faint headache and a diminished capacity for processing thought. Well, maybe that also has to do with my week. I’m not going to get into everything that’s gone on this week, but is has been a very dynamic (both good and bad) week.

So, this leads me to my (at least) bi-monthly trip to Costco for work. Again, I’m not feeling great and thinking is just beyond me at this point. This should be no big deal though. I’ve arrived with my list; a spreadsheet organized according to how the store is organized and to the direction I travel through it, effectively loading my flat cart, with items stacked neatly according to size and shape, to the point that I can’t see over it on occasion. The cart is huge and not easy to maneuver, but I’ve managed to cut Costco trips down to about 30 minutes (that’s right! THIRTY MINUTES!) and that is great because I don’t really want to be there anyway.

“Why do you hate Costco so much,” you ask? Well, there are a lot of reasons. Today’s happenings were a wonderful example of why I hate Costco and the majority of people who shop there.

Incident #1: They have, yet again, rearranged the store. I HATE THAT.

Look, Costco, you don’t have a bunch of different stuff, you don’t have more stuff. I’m starting to think that you just move stuff around to fuck with me. I have a spreadsheet DAMN IT! You are messing up my flow. Ugh. This is going to add at least another 10 minutes of Costco torture.

Incident #2: The old man on the electric cart.

OK, I don’t hate old people or anything, but this man sucked. I’m pushing my ginormous/difficult to maneuver cart and OMOEC and I meet in the aisle. We’re traveling opposite directions and there is only enough space for one of us to pass. This of course is due to the fact that someone has abandoned their cart in the middle of the aisle and there is a gaggle of women trying to decide if they should use Secret or Degree. OMOEC motions that he intends to pass, I look left to right and cannot easily move out of the way. He can, however, push that little button on his stupid electric cart and go in reverse of about 2 seconds and let me through. Apparently this is too much to ask. He sits, resolute, on his borrowed Costco little rascal. So, I pull the cart backward and forward and turn it and push it a few feet into the adjacent aisle. He passes with a smirk. Yeah, funny. Jerk.

Incident #3: Siamese Shoppers

Are they actually conjoined? No. So, why the hell do these people need to walk, side by side, taking up the entire aisle while traveling a whopping speed of six inches per minute? I want to get my crap and get out. I’m not at Costco for the scenery. I want to get my crap and get out. The funny part is that SS are usually little old ladies that live alone. Who, exactly, are you buying that crate of toilet paper for? Ladies, if you MUST continue bulk shopping, please learn to shop tandem or alone. Make the world a better place.

Incident #4: April fresh overdose

I’m not saying it’s Costco’s fault, but this medication the Dr, has me spraying up my nose has given me a sense of smell that could qualify as my super hero power. So, as I’m walking by sealed containers of cleaning products, the smell is about as strong as it would be if you stuck my head in a bucket of it. I like for things to smell clean, but this is ridiculous and leaves me begging for anosmia. Remind me to stop taking this medicine, yell at my Dr, and use more water when I clean at home. My head hurts. Is it over yet? Not quite.

Incident #5: The family that shops together

OK, you have a big family. That’s great. You obviously know how to reproduce. Maybe you all even live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment, but is it REALLY necessary that all 12 of you make the trip to Costco? More importantly, do you all need to just camp out in front of the laundry detergent? I just want to leave. Please get out of my way and, while you’re at it, take the Siamese Shoppers with you. Maybe they will invent a special store for you where you can all just go and stand together while everything passes you on a giant conveyer belt. Wouldn’t that be nice?

These are just some of the reasons that I hate Costco today and there are a million more tales of it's perpetual state of monumental suckiness. Unless you have a huge family, are having a party, or have a business; I don’t really see why on earth you would need six thousand hot dogs and a vat of mayonnaise. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t even get me started on the parking lot.

Dating Dead Battery

2008-12-08T23:43:00.000-08:00

Jason,

I'm glad that you've decided to not contact me anymore. However, since you made the decision to be such a complete fucking douchebag in your last message, I will go ahead and share the reasons why I don't have interest in having anything to do with you. I'll also GLADLY reply to each portion of your piece of shit email.

"looks like your profile went from your friends version of signing you up to you actually making it yours...or at least most of it. "

You should realize that my profile and what I do with it is none of your business. The fact that you keep looking at it only makes you look like more of a stalker than you did already. After receiving an email that said nothing more than "Please just leave me alone," most people would have the common sense to...I don't know...maybe just leave that person alone. I don't really understand how it could take you THREE WEEKS, after sending that message and not returning your many phone calls or texts, to realize that maybe I really just don't want to talk to you. Get a fucking clue.

"but there is one small detail you left out. that would be, "oh yeah, if you don't call me every day i won't be interested in being your friend."

I'd like to know when I ever said anything about you not calling me. Never mind, that would require you to reply. Think about it. When, exactly, did that happen? Never. Quit making shit up and trying to throw cheap insults in my direction. You may be an idiot, but I'm not.

As far as there being a problem with calls or the lack thereof, the real problem began after you actually DID call me back. Yes, I thought it was rude that when you had to go abruptly and told me that you would call me back; you did not call back until two days later. If you recall, I made no attempt to contact you during that time, nor have I stated my displeasure with your actions until now. I would have discussed this with you at a later time. However, your behavior became so insanely idiotic, that I lost any interest in communicating with you at all.

So, you called on Tuesday and, of course, your phone died two minutes into the conversation. (I'll make the 'get your shit together' point later) I handled it with a sense of humor and made a joke about getting a new phone or an extended battery. Rather than actually calling me back, you sent a text, later that evening, asking if I could go out on Thursday. I replied that I had an appointment and could not. Not only did I actually have and appointment, but TWO other guys had asked me to go out on Thursday (BEFORE YOU) and I told them "no" for the very same reason.

The next morning, you sent another text asking if I could go to dinner after my appointment. I did not reply to this for two reasons:

1. I already gave you and answer. Just because you didn't like it doesn't mean it's going to change when you ask again.

2. I was very busy at work. My mom was on vacation and I was covering two jobs. I'm sure you can understand my job being more important than replying to your text, right?

After two hours, you sent another text. This really amazed me because you obviously felt it was perfectly acceptable to NOT call me back for two days, yet I should reply to your text within two hours.

After not replying to that text, you IMed me twice and then emailed me. This was all in the span of my work day. Is there ANY way that you can explain how this behavior is reasonable? I have a fucking job. I have to work to support myself and my child. The world does NOT revolve around you.

I went to my appointment and when I came out, there was a voicemail. Then, when I got home an email and then...and then...and then. You attempted to contact me AT LEAST ten times...within TWELVE HOURS. How DARE you make your ridiculous accusation about ME expecting anyone to call me daily. You are the needy one here, NOT me.

"all sarcasm aside you have hurt my feelings by rejecting all my honest attempts at getting back to you. and to add insult to injury you seem to not be able to muster up the maturity to at least tell me why it is that you don't ever want to speak again. that's the part that hurts so much."

I hurt your feelings? I was actually being nice by NOT replying to you. I hope you've figured that out by now. Or maybe, you are even more stupid than I thought.

Again, you are trying to insult me by insinuating that I am immature. Give me a fucking break. We went out twice. TWO TIMES! You've spent more time with your fucking dentist. Would you expect a detailed explanation of why he moved his business and didn't tell you all about it? No, of course not, that would be ridiculous, right? I am completely amazed at how you seem to think that I somehow OWE you an explanation about anything. AGAIN, GET OVER IT!

"maybe we were't meant to be but at the end of the day we were totally honest and upfront with one another even down to the point that we are both bi-polar. perhaps it's that that makes me so much want to be at least your friend. i don't get to really talk about that side with anyone and it feels good that we share that in common and we both know what that is like."

I am in awe of the fact that, after harassing and insulting me, you are attempting to gain my sympathy. If you appreciated having someone that you felt could relate to you, you should have maybe acted appreciative. Aside from that, I'm not your fucking therapist.

Yes, we are both bipolar, but you are also an inane asshole. I think the latter is the more severe problem for you and those around you. No amount of medication can make up for a lack of common sense and courtesy.

"shannon, this will be the last time i ever attempt to reach out to you. beyond this it is simply insane. should you decide to answer at least why it is you are mad at me or wish to be friends, i will welcome it. on the other hand should this last attempt fall on deft ears i wish you the best, it was great to know for the time we at least shared together and i hope nothing but happiness in your and your childs life.

truly,
jason"

I'm not really sure how you can gauge "beyond this" as insane. I think you've shown a complete lack of judgment for what is rational behavior so far. I was never "mad" at you. I just didn't want to talk to you. That is my choice to make. It doesn't matter if you like or agree with it.

I highly recommend that you get your shit together if you expect any halfway decent female to be willing to spend more than a few hours with you. You are 34 and should behave like an adult, not a spoiled child. Learn how to charge your phone, behave in an AT LEAST semi-normal manner, and do what you say you are going to do.

Any questions in this email are PURELY rhetorical. If you don't know what that (or any other 'big' word I've used) means, there are numerous online dictionaries that can assist you. You might also want to consider looking up some words, such as "deft", before using them yourself.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT contact me again.

Sincerely,

Shannon

Keepers From the Start

2008-11-23T04:49:00.000-08:00

These are great examples of first messages dudes send. Why am I single?! Hello! Prime opportunities are just knocking at my door!
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i hate everyone too, but i like you because you're very doable. - John

(Thank you, Sir, for commenting on my doability! I'm sure we have LOTS to talk about.)
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i like that you carry a flask, saves money at the bars- david

(Thank you for letting me know, in advance, that you are an alcoholic and cheap. Those are my favorite qualities in a man.)
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Hey I saw your profile, I am looking for someone to hang out with at the secret affair this friday night. If you are interested in something other then sitting at home on a Friday night, this could be fun. - Mike

(So, smart! The best way to get a girl to go out with you is by implying that she has no life and nothing better to do!)
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it says you are online,but i dont know how to talk to you online. I'm not stupid.. I can work the internets. Just, I do wish I could talk to you online. If it was a bar, i would just send you a vodka and have done with .online it's so difficult. - Josef

(...I have no words)
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hmm, my,my yes miss, now you are a girl who just loves a good spankin' aintcha :)..... - britboy

(This delightful message was accompanied by a shirtless photo, AFTER I had listed "your retarded shirtless photo" under "THINGS I DON'T WANT".)

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WTF?!

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Comfortably Awkward

2008-11-18T23:24:00.000-08:00

11/18

So I hate most things too. But you live sort of far away. But I also think you're pretty sexy, so I'm not sure what to do with all of that. Ideas? -Yancey

GO METRO! - Shannon

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I never heard back from Yancy. I guess he didn't think my reply was very funny. You may have just witnessed our entire online relationship.

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11/22

*Yancey is back!

Your new profile picture is pretty wow...wow. Not sure if I'm ready to GO METRO yet. And I'm sorry if my flirting bugs you. Just tell me to fuck off. Otherwise, what are you looking for here?(I don't have automatic answer to this question either, I find the whole internet thing kind of weird.) - Yancey

You know...like "go Metro"...like public transportation. It was a poor attempt at humor, I guess. (That's a lie. I think it was a pretty funny reply) I just couldn't think of anything else to say at that moment. =/ - Shannon

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Please note that I have no intererst in dating Yancey, ever. Let's see how this goes.

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12/1

Still haven't heard back from Yancey. =(

Maid of Disillusionment

2008-08-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Over time, N has developed this habit of kind of being a bitch to me whenever it suits her. For instance, one time I got back together with a boyfriend and, because she didn't like it, she didn't talk to me for a month or two. I talked to her about it and it seemed like she got it. So, our friendship was back to "normal".

Later she asked me to be her 'Maid of Honor'. I was really happy about it. How could I NOT be happy about her marrying D. He's a great guy. Duh. Everyone knows that.

So, during the course of planning this wedding and me spending OVER $1000, N hardly talked to me. Not only that, she was bitchy to me a lot. I tried to write it all of as stress from planning the wedding, but I was being too generous.

A few months before the wedding I noticed her being kind of weird on myspace. She was also spending a lot of time with the lesbians at her work. Anyway, I first noticed the weirdness when she put up the song "Secret Lovers" on her page.

After that there were weird, not so cryptic, flirty comments going back and forth between her and Tranny Lambchop (E). "OK...It's just a joke", I thought.

Anyway, she continued to prefer hanging out with the lesbians. They were the only people she would ever talk about. I'm kind of used to her making friends at work. So, it wasn't that weird. She usually decides that she hates them after a while. whatever.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to plan all of this wedding crap and not really getting help from the bridesmaids. Of course I don't even know them and it's not really their fault. One lives in Chicago and the other had one year old twins, a newborn, and was in the process of getting a divorce. But when it came to making simple phone calls, N would ask me to do it because she couldn't be bothered for whatever reason. These are YOUR FRIENDS!!! People who are paying money to make sure you have nice parties and shit and to make YOUR wedding better! whatever. Sometimes, she's just funky.

Anyway, the wedding comes. She throws a couple more "surprise expenses on me". NOT like I'm a single mom or anything, right? Not like you should pay for hair when you really want it done, right? Not when You know that someone singlehandedly paid nearly $500 JUST for your fucking bridal shower, RIGHT?

Anyway, the night before the wedding, she was texting E the whole time. K (bridesmaid) and I both thought it was weird, but maybe they've just become really good friends....

Anyway, the wedding was amazing. They left for their honeymoon and we all thought..."Aww...how perfect."

I called N the Sunday after she got back from her honeymoon and she said she needed to tell me something, but I couldn't tell anyone else. "OK..." Then she proceeded to tell me how E (Tranny Lambchop) had taken her to pick up her car on Friday. It had been in the shop while they were in Jamaica on their honeymoon.

So, she and E were on the couch talking and E was sad because she was having girlfriend problems. So, N gave her a hug and at the moment D opened the front door and she jumped back because she was startled.

Then D thought she was cheating, but she wasn't. (Remember, this is HER story) Anyway, she started going to therapy and it seemed like everything was going OK.

She deleted E from her myspace friends, but I noticed that they were both putting up sappy love songs. You know, like "I really want to be with you. Too bad you belong to someone else" type stuff. Plus, their headlines were always (not so) secret dumb messages to each other.

Anyway, in the meantime, I went to dinner at D and N's house. D was super nice to N, especially considering that it looked like she was cheating on him with some chick. N was a bitch to him most of the night. Then she explained to me, as I was leaving, that it was just TOO MUCH. He was just being too nice. WTF?!

A few weeks later N came over and had "Something to tell me", but couldn't get it out. "You have feelings for E," I said. "Yeah. How'd you know?" Then I explained. I was accepting and not judgmental because I was trying to be a good friend. Meanwhile, I DID tell her how bad I felt for D and tried to encourage her to be sensitive about his feelings.

Well, as soon as she moved out, she changed her myspace status from 'married' to 'in a relationship'. Which I thought was pretty tacky, insensitive, and shitty.

So, I thought she was being shitty about D, but was still being her friend. I met E and even went out with the two of them on a couple of occasions. E is nice and pretty damn funny. I actually like her as a person.

Anyway, one night, I went out with a bunch of N's co-workers because K (one of N's bridesmaids that I became friends with) was visiting from Chicago. N bitched and talked shit about most of the people there (as usual), but I still had a nice time.

Later in the evening, a few of us went for karaoke. Not my idea, since I hate it, but whatever. While we were there, N made some shitty comment to E and E left for a while.

Well, I was ready to smoke anyway and N decided to come out with me. She was like..."I don't know why I said that to her." Then I decided it was time to have a talk. "You say things that come across rude and bitchy to people and it can really hurt their feelings." Then I told her a story (maybe two) of when she had done it to me and I had let it go because I didn't want to make the other people that were there, when she did it, feel awkward.

I felt pretty good about this. You know, I set some boundaries, blah blah blah... Well, then Xmas came. N sent me an email asking what I wanted. I explained that I was BROKE and maybe we should just not worry about it. Well...she was MORE THAN FINE WITH THAT! Like...don't mind that I just spent all this money that I couldn't afford for your fucking joke of a wedding! Nope, you are getting anything for Xmas, so WHY SHOULD I, right?

Anyway, the next time I saw her was to celebrate my Bday. She invited E along...whatever. I told them I'd be ready between 8:30 and 9. They (and Buffy) got there at 8:45. It took me ten more minutes to get ready and N was being a bitch the whole time. Her excuse was that she was hungry. whatever. EVER HEARD OF A FUCKING SNACK?!

Anyway, I had very little fun because of her and her douchiness. Complain, bitch, moan. So, I decided that I'd rather just NOT spend time with her.

So, she sent a few emails..."I miss you. When are we hanging out." BUT I was usually busy. The last one she sent was about a month ago. So, I told her I would try for the following weekend. WELL, my step grandpa died that week and I had a friend that is moving away having farewell parties and stuff. So, I was SUPER busy.

She never as much as tried to contact me. Then just deleted me from her 'top friends'. In truth, I don't really care at all. I'm kind of relieved. It just goes to show I was right and she is the self centered cunt that I had recently realized.

Plumbing is Cool

2008-04-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

I woke up one Friday morning and decided that I really needed to call the property manager about my bathroom sink. It had been leaking for a couple of days and my bathtub was quickly filling up with wet towels. So, I called and he gave me the plumber's number. I called them and they told me they'd be over in about half an hour. I called work and let them know what was going on and I waited.

The plumber arrived pretty quickly, took a look and informed me that the sink needed to be replaced. I was secretly happy about this because I've hated that stupid sink for the last five years. He informed me that he was awaiting approval from the property manager. After waiting to hear back for about twenty minutes or so, he informed me that they needed to leave. "But you'll be back right?" I asked, fearing the worst. He let me know that they'd be back once they received approval.

A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was Cass, my property manager. We had the following conversation:

Cass: "Is the plumber gone?"

Me (distressed): "Yes."

Cass: "I have another number for you to call. His name is Ron. He's a very nice man and he'll replace the sink for a lot less than the plumber."

With a feeling of relief, I wrote the number down. I called Ron and he answered right away. Cass had already explained the situation to him and he told me that he was in the middle of putting up curtain rods, downtown. I explained that the leak was pretty bad and that I was missing work and he agreed to come soon. This was around 9:00 am. I phoned work again to let them know that I might not be in and then waited.

Ten o'clock rolled around and then eleven. It wasn't too bad. I was having fun chatting with a couple of friends while they were working. One was stuck at home on a call for work and said that if I picked up food, he would buy. Well, I was kind of hungry too and I did feel bad for him. I mean, he couldn't leave and who knew how long the call would last. So, I decided that I'd run across town and pick up and deliver the food. The only problem was that I still hadn't heard from Ron.

I called to see when he would be here, but he didn't answer. I left a message informing him that I was hungry and needed to pick up lunch and run and errand and could he please call me back. I waited another fifteen minutes and decided that I'd just go. I had already been waiting for nearly three hours at this point.

So, I called in the order and drove across town. I was a few blocks away from the burger place, when my phone rang. It was Ron. He was at my major cross streets and asking for directions to my house. I explained that I wasn't home now and had left him a message. Then I gave him directions and told him I should be home in about fifteen minutes.

I threw a quarter into the meter and ran in to grab the food. The man behind the counter was nice and made a lame joke about an extra charge for beautiful women. I laughed and jumped back in my car.

I decided to go up the alley because I thought it would save me a minute or two. Not the best decision as there was a truck blocking the alley. The men it belonged to noticed me sitting there and gave me the "just a minute sign" and it looked like they were looking for the keys. As I sat there, I just began to feel more and more stressed out. They were taking too long. "I'm in a really big hurry," I whined out the window. They finally let me through and I yelled "Thank you!" as I sped up the alley.

I ran into my friend's apartment and explained what was going on while quickly dividing the food. Then ran back to my car and tried to get home as fast as I could. I hit every red light along the way. OF COURSE, I did. So, I called Ron again. This time it went straight to voice mail. So, I left a message explaining that it was taking longer than I thought and I would be home in a few minutes.

I rounded the corner and looked for any unusual vehicles, but didn't see any. Maybe he went to get something to eat. That's what I would do, after all.

I pulled into the driveway and went inside. I ate my lunch and wondered if he was mad that I had left and turned his phone off to punish me. Whatever. I waited for a while and tried to call him again and hung up when his voicemail picked up. I decided that it would be a nice time for a nap since I was home on a weekday afternoon and I never get to do that. So, I got comfy on the couch and placed the phone by my head. That way, I'd be sure not to miss Ron when he came back.

I didn't wake up until Logan came home from school. I decided to call Cass since I hadn't heard back from Ron. I explained what happened and Cass told me that he had gotten a completely different story from Ron. Ron told him that he was sitting in front of my house for over an hour and I just never came home. Well, that made me angry. I had been gone for a total of forty minutes, NOT AN HOUR, and I had tried to call him several times! Cass said that he'd have Ron call me and we'd have to make arrangements for him to come the next day.

Ron called at nine on Saturday morning and said it would take him about an hour to get to my house. I got up and started doing chores. Around ten, a truck pulled in front of my house. It was just Cass and some other guy. They were there to do some work on the yard. I went back to my chores.

Around eleven, I went outside and Cass asked if I had heard from Ron.

Me (irritated): "He called at nine and said he'd be here in about an hour."

Cass (indifferent): "So, he's on his way."

I started to wonder if Cass was conspiring with this guy to drive me crazy or something. After the day before, shouldn't he have been there when he said he would? Was this part of my lesson? Do I really need to learn that when you need something fixed, you are completely at the mercy of someone else? Did Cass really NOT notice that he was an hour late already?

I went back to my chores. Cass ended up leaving around noon, but Ron STILL hadn't arrived. I waited a while longer, becoming angrier and angrier with each passing moment. It was around three that I decided to call Ron and ask WHEN ON EARTH he was going to show up. I had already lost TWO days to this.

I called and asked. He sounded angry. He told me that he went to my house and that no one was there. I explained how this was impossible because I had been home ALL DAY. I asked if he was sure that he had the right house. He said that he'd just have to come the following day and quickly dismissed me.

WTF?! Have I not carried enough wet towels? What the hell was this guy's problem? By the time I called Cass, my anger had transformed into despondency and I began to cry. I told him about my call to Ron and how I had lost two days already and I hadn't even taken a shower!

Cass: "What does the shower have to do with your sink….Oh…"

Me: "Yeah. I made sure that I was available the entire day."

Cass: "Well, I'll give him a call and if this doesn't work out, I'll find someone else. Cheer up. I'll call you back."

About twenty minutes later, my phone rang. It was Ron. Begrudgingly, I answered. "Hi, Shannon. I'm sorry. I was at the wrong house. Cass told me thirty-six, fifty-six. He says he didn't, but that's bullshit. I know I wrote it down right." OK, seriously, HOW many people do you know with an address like 3666? Umm…I would guess not many. It's pretty distinctive. I don't think that many people get the numbers confused. I'd put up the street name too, since it just makes everything more comical, but this is being posted in a public place and anyone could read this…even that lady from Round Table. Anyway…

So, Ron told me that he would come by to see what he needed and would return to replace the sink on Sunday. THANK THE FUCKING LORD!!! Carrying 30lbs. of wet towels to the laundry room was getting a little old. He arrived just before five, on a bicycle. Yes, on a bicycle.

Call me an idiotic optimist, but I really hoped that he was just out, trying to get some fresh air and exercise, rather than having a bicycle for transportation. It was Saturday afternoon after all. In retrospect, the fact that he DID remind me of Ernest (Goes to Camp, Goes to Jail, "Know what I mean, Vern?") should have been an indication otherwise. Regardless, I was sure he'd make his way to my house, with my new sink, somehow.

My phone woke me up at nine on Sunday morning. It was Ron, of course. He said that he'd be over around noon. Well, now that he had the right house, everything should run smoothly, right. Nope. He called at noon and said that he was having problems with his ride and asked if one of us could run him over to Home Depot when he got here. I asked Eddie and, although he was pissed, he agreed.

Ron arrived a little while later, turned the water off to the house and ripped (literally) the old sink out of the wall. He and Eddie left for Home Depot and I felt relieved. It was almost over. A short while later, my phone rang. Guess who! Yep, Ron. He didn't have enough money to pay for the parts and asked if I could bring him $20. WTF?! OK. Well, if that was the last of my suffering, it wasn't TOO bad.

After we got back to the house, Ron started working on getting the new sink installed. He came into the living room and asked if I had a large wrench. I didn't think I did and asked Eddie if he did. Looking VERY irritated, he informed me that all of his tools were at work. I decided to check the kitchen drawer because I never know what's in there anyway. I returned with a large pipe wrench. (I still have no idea why I have one of those.)

A little while later, Ron asked if I had another wrench. Apparently, he had broken one of his. Much to my surprise, I did have another pipe wrench. I watched him struggle to get a pipe off of the old sink. (Note: old parts aren't supposed to be used again, but whatever) He couldn't get it off and I asked if we needed to make another trip to Home Depot. YAY, I get to give this random dude a ride and loan him MORE money to fix something that I am not supposed to pay for! So, we went back.

After Ron and I returned, Logan, Eddie, and I sat down to have dinner. Have you ever had dinner interrupted repetitively by a person asking you for things like PVC, pipe saws, and duct tape? I'm sure you haven't, but I have! We just kind of rolled our eyes and hoped it would all be over soon and it was. Ron informed us that he was done and would be back in a few days to patch up and paint the wall. Finally, it was over! After he left, I went in to look at the sink. I opened the cabinet and saw…electrical tape holding my pipes together?!?! WTF? Seriously…W…T…F?!!

I called Cass the next day to let him know what had happened. He didn't sound surprised at all, which was kind of disturbing. He informed me that "we all have out shortcomings". WTF?! Of course, I could deduct all of the money that I loaned, to Ron, from the upcoming rent.

A few days later, I was doing laundry and dishes at the same time. When the washer switched to the spin cycle and started to drain, the water backed up into my kitchen sink. OH JOY! Well, this time Cass had me call the actual plumber and not Ron. I was very happy about this…until…the exact same guy showed up at my house and asked what happened with my sink…

Making Dinner Friends

2008-04-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

For those of you that may not be aware. My life is anything but normal. If you ask me, I would say that I'm actually pretty boring. I have an office job where I'm bored. I'm a mom. I do mom stuff. I go out on occasion. I don't have hobbies. Like...I don't think there is anything that I do that is very interesting at all. What IS interesting, however, is the myriad of bizarre things that seem to constantly happen TO me. Sometimes, they are pretty much unbelievable.

I always tell people that I should write this stuff down. Some people even agree. Tonight, I made a promise and am documenting the events of this evening to fulfill this promise. Sophia, yes, this is JUST for you.

Happy reading and, remember, ALL of this is true...

So...my friend and former co-worker, Sophia, had a birthday last week. She invited me to her B-day festivities. I, unfortunately (for me), had to decline because Eddie (Logan's dad) also had a birthday last week and I had already committed to allowing him to have the weekend free to do whatever he wanted. So, I promised her a pizza on Tuesday and we are still friends.
I sent her a text this morning to confirm. "Are we pizzaing tonight?" So, she agreed to come to my house around six and we'd go from there.

Everything went of as planned (Well, mostly. Now Logan is coming with us, but that's fine.) We arrived at Round Table in great spirits and excited over pizza. We chose our booth because it was the only clean one and waited anxiously for our overdose of garlic.
We talked and laughed and ate. At some point, a woman walked by. After she was across the restaurant, I turned to Sophia and said, "Did you SEE that?"

"Huh?" Sophia looked at me perplexed.

"That lady! She was in pajamas and slippers!"

What Sophia had missed was a sight to behold. This lady, in all her glorious slobbery, had arrived to have dinner in mint green pajama pants (with some weird purple print on them), a pink long sleeve t-shirt like thing (with NO BRA, MIND YOU), dirty tan slippers, and her hair in a horribly disheveled pony tail. It really was something to see! Fortunately, she sat at the booth right behind us, facing me. So, if I missed something the first time around, I had a LONG TIME to catch the subtle nuances that made her the piece of crazy fucking white trash art, that she is. "How mean, Shannon!", you say. Not really, it's just foreshadowing.

As we were eating, I noticed the woman looking at me. At first, it was no big deal. I mean, people look around, right? After a while, I noticed that every time I looked up, she was staring at me. I told Sophia and I knew she thought I was just being funny or maybe a little crazy.

Logan went to play games and the staring became more severe. At one point, I actually bent sideways, like I was lying down in the booth and commented to Sophia about how she kept staring at me. At that point, I saw her head slowly rise so that her glasses peered over the back of the booth behind Sophia. After she lowered herself back into the normal sitting position and could no longer see me, I whispered to Sophia about what she had just done. Of course, Sophia burst into a fit of laughter (I think she still may have thought I was just being funny) and then I sat back up.

Logan returned with a ridiculous amount of tickets, for the two dollars I had given him, hoping for additional funding to earn tickets to purchase toys that break in five minutes.

Another boy appears. The curious lady has a son!

"Hey, where'd you get all those tickets?"

"At that game. The one on the side of the pinball machine."

I looked up during the boys' conversation and pajama lady was staring at me again. Crazy lady's son wandered back to the game section and then Logan did too. I got up, refilled my diet pepsi and asked the boy behind the counter for a box. I was feeling kind of awkward after being visually raped by a homeless looking person for the last forty minutes or so and was ready to go home.

I boxed up the remaining pizza and sat for another few minutes, waiting for Logan to finish his games and decide what crappy junk he wanted from behind the counter. As we waited, pajama lady got up to get a box and a refill for herself. I turned to Sophia.

"OH MY GOD! She's been staring at me this whole time. How awkward!"

Sophia laughs.

Then loud enough for probably the whole restaurant to hear, I said, "It's like...STOP STARING AT ME!!!!"

Of course, I'm pretty sure that Sophia probably thinks I'm nuts because...really...who stares at a complete stranger that much? No one, right? Trust me, I'M even wondering if that case of mild paranoia I have is acting up. I mean, I probably DO check my rear view mirror WAY more often than you do. (BTW, this is a really good thing and you'll see why)

I grew tired of waiting for Logan to make a decision and went over to harass him a little. "Why do you take SOOOOO LONG to decide on something that is going to break in five minutes?" He decided to just take the popsicle stick airplane that he had in his hand and give up on the rest of his tickets. "There wasn't really anything else that I wanted." OK! Let's go!

During this time, I guess Sophia caught her first glimpse of the lady staring at me. She had missed out on all the fun during dinner. I'm sure that if what happened next did not happen, Sophia may have thought I was exaggerating about the intensity of her staring.

The three of us walked outside and I heard a voice directly behind me...

"Do you have something to say to me?"

I turned, "EXCUUUSE ME?!" Apparently, my eyes got kind of big because Sophia got really excited. I think she was expecting some sort of physical altercation, but this lady...er...vagrant wasn't that kind of person. She repeated herself and I glared back and she returned to the restaurant.

As we walked to the car, we laughed and made jokes about how we needed to make a fast getaway. HAHA, right?

So, I navigated my way through the mall parking lot and onto the street. A few blocks down, I noticed a minivan behind me. "Hmmm..." It just seemed weird and I am TOTALLY aware of my mild case of paranoia, but I turned into the next neighborhood. You know...just to be safe.

Well, wouldn't you know it, the minivan must live in that neighborhood! I made another random turn and guess what I saw turn behind me. That same minivan!

"Sophia, I think that lady is following me."

"HAHAHHAHAH! NO WAY"

Sophia looks and sees the van and tells me to turn down the next street. She watches and, much to her delight, the van is still following us. We turned down another street and then I turned again we pulled over and I turned off the lights. Finally, the van stopped following.

So...we survived and had a laugh and I explained to Sophia that this was not the kind of lady that would start a physical fight. She's the type that would follow me home, come back later and slash my tires. The best part is, I've never even met her.