Let me first state that I am not feeling my best. I went to the Dr. on Monday for dizziness and nausea; I left with sinus medication. The dizziness and nausea have subsided, but have been replaced with a constant faint headache and a diminished capacity for processing thought. Well, maybe that also has to do with my week. I’m not going to get into everything that’s gone on this week, but is has been a very dynamic (both good and bad) week.
So, this leads me to my (at least) bi-monthly trip to Costco for work. Again, I’m not feeling great and thinking is just beyond me at this point. This should be no big deal though. I’ve arrived with my list; a spreadsheet organized according to how the store is organized and to the direction I travel through it, effectively loading my flat cart, with items stacked neatly according to size and shape, to the point that I can’t see over it on occasion. The cart is huge and not easy to maneuver, but I’ve managed to cut Costco trips down to about 30 minutes (that’s right! THIRTY MINUTES!) and that is great because I don’t really want to be there anyway.
“Why do you hate Costco so much,” you ask? Well, there are a lot of reasons. Today’s happenings were a wonderful example of why I hate Costco and the majority of people who shop there.
Incident #1: They have, yet again, rearranged the store. I HATE THAT.
Look, Costco, you don’t have a bunch of different stuff, you don’t have more stuff. I’m starting to think that you just move stuff around to fuck with me. I have a spreadsheet DAMN IT! You are messing up my flow. Ugh. This is going to add at least another 10 minutes of Costco torture.
Incident #2: The old man on the electric cart.
OK, I don’t hate old people or anything, but this man sucked. I’m pushing my ginormous/difficult to maneuver cart and OMOEC and I meet in the aisle. We’re traveling opposite directions and there is only enough space for one of us to pass. This of course is due to the fact that someone has abandoned their cart in the middle of the aisle and there is a gaggle of women trying to decide if they should use Secret or Degree. OMOEC motions that he intends to pass, I look left to right and cannot easily move out of the way. He can, however, push that little button on his stupid electric cart and go in reverse of about 2 seconds and let me through. Apparently this is too much to ask. He sits, resolute, on his borrowed Costco little rascal. So, I pull the cart backward and forward and turn it and push it a few feet into the adjacent aisle. He passes with a smirk. Yeah, funny. Jerk.
Incident #3: Siamese Shoppers
Are they actually conjoined? No. So, why the hell do these people need to walk, side by side, taking up the entire aisle while traveling a whopping speed of six inches per minute? I want to get my crap and get out. I’m not at Costco for the scenery. I want to get my crap and get out. The funny part is that SS are usually little old ladies that live alone. Who, exactly, are you buying that crate of toilet paper for? Ladies, if you MUST continue bulk shopping, please learn to shop tandem or alone. Make the world a better place.
Incident #4: April fresh overdose
I’m not saying it’s Costco’s fault, but this medication the Dr, has me spraying up my nose has given me a sense of smell that could qualify as my super hero power. So, as I’m walking by sealed containers of cleaning products, the smell is about as strong as it would be if you stuck my head in a bucket of it. I like for things to smell clean, but this is ridiculous and leaves me begging for anosmia. Remind me to stop taking this medicine, yell at my Dr, and use more water when I clean at home. My head hurts. Is it over yet? Not quite.
Incident #5: The family that shops together
OK, you have a big family. That’s great. You obviously know how to reproduce. Maybe you all even live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment, but is it REALLY necessary that all 12 of you make the trip to Costco? More importantly, do you all need to just camp out in front of the laundry detergent? I just want to leave. Please get out of my way and, while you’re at it, take the Siamese Shoppers with you. Maybe they will invent a special store for you where you can all just go and stand together while everything passes you on a giant conveyer belt. Wouldn’t that be nice?
These are just some of the reasons that I hate Costco today and there are a million more tales of it's perpetual state of monumental suckiness. Unless you have a huge family, are having a party, or have a business; I don’t really see why on earth you would need six thousand hot dogs and a vat of mayonnaise. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t even get me started on the parking lot.
So, this leads me to my (at least) bi-monthly trip to Costco for work. Again, I’m not feeling great and thinking is just beyond me at this point. This should be no big deal though. I’ve arrived with my list; a spreadsheet organized according to how the store is organized and to the direction I travel through it, effectively loading my flat cart, with items stacked neatly according to size and shape, to the point that I can’t see over it on occasion. The cart is huge and not easy to maneuver, but I’ve managed to cut Costco trips down to about 30 minutes (that’s right! THIRTY MINUTES!) and that is great because I don’t really want to be there anyway.
“Why do you hate Costco so much,” you ask? Well, there are a lot of reasons. Today’s happenings were a wonderful example of why I hate Costco and the majority of people who shop there.
Incident #1: They have, yet again, rearranged the store. I HATE THAT.
Look, Costco, you don’t have a bunch of different stuff, you don’t have more stuff. I’m starting to think that you just move stuff around to fuck with me. I have a spreadsheet DAMN IT! You are messing up my flow. Ugh. This is going to add at least another 10 minutes of Costco torture.
Incident #2: The old man on the electric cart.
OK, I don’t hate old people or anything, but this man sucked. I’m pushing my ginormous/difficult to maneuver cart and OMOEC and I meet in the aisle. We’re traveling opposite directions and there is only enough space for one of us to pass. This of course is due to the fact that someone has abandoned their cart in the middle of the aisle and there is a gaggle of women trying to decide if they should use Secret or Degree. OMOEC motions that he intends to pass, I look left to right and cannot easily move out of the way. He can, however, push that little button on his stupid electric cart and go in reverse of about 2 seconds and let me through. Apparently this is too much to ask. He sits, resolute, on his borrowed Costco little rascal. So, I pull the cart backward and forward and turn it and push it a few feet into the adjacent aisle. He passes with a smirk. Yeah, funny. Jerk.
Incident #3: Siamese Shoppers
Are they actually conjoined? No. So, why the hell do these people need to walk, side by side, taking up the entire aisle while traveling a whopping speed of six inches per minute? I want to get my crap and get out. I’m not at Costco for the scenery. I want to get my crap and get out. The funny part is that SS are usually little old ladies that live alone. Who, exactly, are you buying that crate of toilet paper for? Ladies, if you MUST continue bulk shopping, please learn to shop tandem or alone. Make the world a better place.
Incident #4: April fresh overdose
I’m not saying it’s Costco’s fault, but this medication the Dr, has me spraying up my nose has given me a sense of smell that could qualify as my super hero power. So, as I’m walking by sealed containers of cleaning products, the smell is about as strong as it would be if you stuck my head in a bucket of it. I like for things to smell clean, but this is ridiculous and leaves me begging for anosmia. Remind me to stop taking this medicine, yell at my Dr, and use more water when I clean at home. My head hurts. Is it over yet? Not quite.
Incident #5: The family that shops together
OK, you have a big family. That’s great. You obviously know how to reproduce. Maybe you all even live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment, but is it REALLY necessary that all 12 of you make the trip to Costco? More importantly, do you all need to just camp out in front of the laundry detergent? I just want to leave. Please get out of my way and, while you’re at it, take the Siamese Shoppers with you. Maybe they will invent a special store for you where you can all just go and stand together while everything passes you on a giant conveyer belt. Wouldn’t that be nice?
These are just some of the reasons that I hate Costco today and there are a million more tales of it's perpetual state of monumental suckiness. Unless you have a huge family, are having a party, or have a business; I don’t really see why on earth you would need six thousand hot dogs and a vat of mayonnaise. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t even get me started on the parking lot.
