Wholesale Fun!

Let me first state that I am not feeling my best. I went to the Dr. on Monday for dizziness and nausea; I left with sinus medication. The dizziness and nausea have subsided, but have been replaced with a constant faint headache and a diminished capacity for processing thought. Well, maybe that also has to do with my week. I’m not going to get into everything that’s gone on this week, but is has been a very dynamic (both good and bad) week.

So, this leads me to my (at least) bi-monthly trip to Costco for work. Again, I’m not feeling great and thinking is just beyond me at this point. This should be no big deal though. I’ve arrived with my list; a spreadsheet organized according to how the store is organized and to the direction I travel through it, effectively loading my flat cart, with items stacked neatly according to size and shape, to the point that I can’t see over it on occasion. The cart is huge and not easy to maneuver, but I’ve managed to cut Costco trips down to about 30 minutes (that’s right! THIRTY MINUTES!) and that is great because I don’t really want to be there anyway.

“Why do you hate Costco so much,” you ask? Well, there are a lot of reasons. Today’s happenings were a wonderful example of why I hate Costco and the majority of people who shop there.


Incident #1: They have, yet again, rearranged the store. I HATE THAT.

Look, Costco, you don’t have a bunch of different stuff, you don’t have more stuff. I’m starting to think that you just move stuff around to fuck with me. I have a spreadsheet DAMN IT! You are messing up my flow. Ugh. This is going to add at least another 10 minutes of Costco torture.


Incident #2: The old man on the electric cart.

OK, I don’t hate old people or anything, but this man sucked. I’m pushing my ginormous/difficult to maneuver cart and OMOEC and I meet in the aisle. We’re traveling opposite directions and there is only enough space for one of us to pass. This of course is due to the fact that someone has abandoned their cart in the middle of the aisle and there is a gaggle of women trying to decide if they should use Secret or Degree. OMOEC motions that he intends to pass, I look left to right and cannot easily move out of the way. He can, however, push that little button on his stupid electric cart and go in reverse of about 2 seconds and let me through. Apparently this is too much to ask. He sits, resolute, on his borrowed Costco little rascal. So, I pull the cart backward and forward and turn it and push it a few feet into the adjacent aisle. He passes with a smirk. Yeah, funny. Jerk.


Incident #3: Siamese Shoppers

Are they actually conjoined? No. So, why the hell do these people need to walk, side by side, taking up the entire aisle while traveling a whopping speed of six inches per minute? I want to get my crap and get out. I’m not at Costco for the scenery. I want to get my crap and get out. The funny part is that SS are usually little old ladies that live alone. Who, exactly, are you buying that crate of toilet paper for? Ladies, if you MUST continue bulk shopping, please learn to shop tandem or alone. Make the world a better place.

Incident #4: April fresh overdose

I’m not saying it’s Costco’s fault, but this medication the Dr, has me spraying up my nose has given me a sense of smell that could qualify as my super hero power. So, as I’m walking by sealed containers of cleaning products, the smell is about as strong as it would be if you stuck my head in a bucket of it. I like for things to smell clean, but this is ridiculous and leaves me begging for anosmia. Remind me to stop taking this medicine, yell at my Dr, and use more water when I clean at home. My head hurts. Is it over yet? Not quite.

Incident #5: The family that shops together

OK, you have a big family. That’s great. You obviously know how to reproduce. Maybe you all even live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment, but is it REALLY necessary that all 12 of you make the trip to Costco? More importantly, do you all need to just camp out in front of the laundry detergent? I just want to leave. Please get out of my way and, while you’re at it, take the Siamese Shoppers with you. Maybe they will invent a special store for you where you can all just go and stand together while everything passes you on a giant conveyer belt. Wouldn’t that be nice?


These are just some of the reasons that I hate Costco today and there are a million more tales of it's perpetual state of monumental suckiness. Unless you have a huge family, are having a party, or have a business; I don’t really see why on earth you would need six thousand hot dogs and a vat of mayonnaise. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Don’t even get me started on the parking lot.

Keepers From the Start

These are great examples of first messages dudes send. Why am I single?! Hello! Prime opportunities are just knocking at my door!
.
.
.
i hate everyone too, but i like you because you're very doable. - John

(Thank you, Sir, for commenting on my doability! I'm sure we have LOTS to talk about.)
.
.
i like that you carry a flask, saves money at the bars- david

(Thank you for letting me know, in advance, that you are an alcoholic and cheap. Those are my favorite qualities in a man.)
.
.
Hey I saw your profile, I am looking for someone to hang out with at the secret affair this friday night. If you are interested in something other then sitting at home on a Friday night, this could be fun. - Mike

(So, smart! The best way to get a girl to go out with you is by implying that she has no life and nothing better to do!)
.
.
it says you are online,but i dont know how to talk to you online. I'm not stupid.. I can work the internets. Just, I do wish I could talk to you online. If it was a bar, i would just send you a vodka and have done with .online it's so difficult. - Josef

(...I have no words)
.
.
hmm, my,my yes miss, now you are a girl who just loves a good spankin' aintcha :)..... - britboy

(This delightful message was accompanied by a shirtless photo, AFTER I had listed "your retarded shirtless photo" under "THINGS I DON'T WANT".)

.

.

*******

WTF?!

*******

Comfortably Awkward

11/18

So I hate most things too. But you live sort of far away. But I also think you're pretty sexy, so I'm not sure what to do with all of that. Ideas? -Yancey

.

.

GO METRO! - Shannon

.

.

**********************************************************************************

I never heard back from Yancy. I guess he didn't think my reply was very funny. You may have just witnessed our entire online relationship.

**********************************************************************************

.

.

.

.

.

11/22

.

.

*Yancey is back!

.

.

Your new profile picture is pretty wow...wow. Not sure if I'm ready to GO METRO yet. And I'm sorry if my flirting bugs you. Just tell me to fuck off. Otherwise, what are you looking for here?(I don't have automatic answer to this question either, I find the whole internet thing kind of weird.) - Yancey

.

.

You know...like "go Metro"...like public transportation. It was a poor attempt at humor, I guess. (That's a lie. I think it was a pretty funny reply) I just couldn't think of anything else to say at that moment. =/ - Shannon

**********************************************************************************

Please note that I have no intererst in dating Yancey, ever. Let's see how this goes.

**********************************************************************************

.

.

.

12/1

.

.

Still haven't heard back from Yancey. =(

Plumbing is Cool

I woke up one Friday morning and decided that I really needed to call the property manager about my bathroom sink. It had been leaking for a couple of days and my bathtub was quickly filling up with wet towels. So, I called and he gave me the plumber's number. I called them and they told me they'd be over in about half an hour. I called work and let them know what was going on and I waited.

The plumber arrived pretty quickly, took a look and informed me that the sink needed to be replaced. I was secretly happy about this because I've hated that stupid sink for the last five years. He informed me that he was awaiting approval from the property manager. After waiting to hear back for about twenty minutes or so, he informed me that they needed to leave. "But you'll be back right?" I asked, fearing the worst. He let me know that they'd be back once they received approval.

A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was Cass, my property manager. We had the following conversation:

Cass: "Is the plumber gone?"

Me (distressed): "Yes."

Cass: "I have another number for you to call. His name is Ron. He's a very nice man and he'll replace the sink for a lot less than the plumber."

With a feeling of relief, I wrote the number down. I called Ron and he answered right away. Cass had already explained the situation to him and he told me that he was in the middle of putting up curtain rods, downtown. I explained that the leak was pretty bad and that I was missing work and he agreed to come soon. This was around 9:00 am. I phoned work again to let them know that I might not be in and then waited.

Ten o'clock rolled around and then eleven. It wasn't too bad. I was having fun chatting with a couple of friends while they were working. One was stuck at home on a call for work and said that if I picked up food, he would buy. Well, I was kind of hungry too and I did feel bad for him. I mean, he couldn't leave and who knew how long the call would last. So, I decided that I'd run across town and pick up and deliver the food. The only problem was that I still hadn't heard from Ron.

I called to see when he would be here, but he didn't answer. I left a message informing him that I was hungry and needed to pick up lunch and run and errand and could he please call me back. I waited another fifteen minutes and decided that I'd just go. I had already been waiting for nearly three hours at this point.

So, I called in the order and drove across town. I was a few blocks away from the burger place, when my phone rang. It was Ron. He was at my major cross streets and asking for directions to my house. I explained that I wasn't home now and had left him a message. Then I gave him directions and told him I should be home in about fifteen minutes.

I threw a quarter into the meter and ran in to grab the food. The man behind the counter was nice and made a lame joke about an extra charge for beautiful women. I laughed and jumped back in my car.

I decided to go up the alley because I thought it would save me a minute or two. Not the best decision as there was a truck blocking the alley. The men it belonged to noticed me sitting there and gave me the "just a minute sign" and it looked like they were looking for the keys. As I sat there, I just began to feel more and more stressed out. They were taking too long. "I'm in a really big hurry," I whined out the window. They finally let me through and I yelled "Thank you!" as I sped up the alley.

I ran into my friend's apartment and explained what was going on while quickly dividing the food. Then ran back to my car and tried to get home as fast as I could. I hit every red light along the way. OF COURSE, I did. So, I called Ron again. This time it went straight to voice mail. So, I left a message explaining that it was taking longer than I thought and I would be home in a few minutes.

I rounded the corner and looked for any unusual vehicles, but didn't see any. Maybe he went to get something to eat. That's what I would do, after all.

I pulled into the driveway and went inside. I ate my lunch and wondered if he was mad that I had left and turned his phone off to punish me. Whatever. I waited for a while and tried to call him again and hung up when his voicemail picked up. I decided that it would be a nice time for a nap since I was home on a weekday afternoon and I never get to do that. So, I got comfy on the couch and placed the phone by my head. That way, I'd be sure not to miss Ron when he came back.

I didn't wake up until Logan came home from school. I decided to call Cass since I hadn't heard back from Ron. I explained what happened and Cass told me that he had gotten a completely different story from Ron. Ron told him that he was sitting in front of my house for over an hour and I just never came home. Well, that made me angry. I had been gone for a total of forty minutes, NOT AN HOUR, and I had tried to call him several times! Cass said that he'd have Ron call me and we'd have to make arrangements for him to come the next day.

Ron called at nine on Saturday morning and said it would take him about an hour to get to my house. I got up and started doing chores. Around ten, a truck pulled in front of my house. It was just Cass and some other guy. They were there to do some work on the yard. I went back to my chores.

Around eleven, I went outside and Cass asked if I had heard from Ron.

Me (irritated): "He called at nine and said he'd be here in about an hour."

Cass (indifferent): "So, he's on his way."

I started to wonder if Cass was conspiring with this guy to drive me crazy or something. After the day before, shouldn't he have been there when he said he would? Was this part of my lesson? Do I really need to learn that when you need something fixed, you are completely at the mercy of someone else? Did Cass really NOT notice that he was an hour late already?

I went back to my chores. Cass ended up leaving around noon, but Ron STILL hadn't arrived. I waited a while longer, becoming angrier and angrier with each passing moment. It was around three that I decided to call Ron and ask WHEN ON EARTH he was going to show up. I had already lost TWO days to this.

I called and asked. He sounded angry. He told me that he went to my house and that no one was there. I explained how this was impossible because I had been home ALL DAY. I asked if he was sure that he had the right house. He said that he'd just have to come the following day and quickly dismissed me.

WTF?! Have I not carried enough wet towels? What the hell was this guy's problem? By the time I called Cass, my anger had transformed into despondency and I began to cry. I told him about my call to Ron and how I had lost two days already and I hadn't even taken a shower!

Cass: "What does the shower have to do with your sink….Oh…"

Me: "Yeah. I made sure that I was available the entire day."

Cass: "Well, I'll give him a call and if this doesn't work out, I'll find someone else. Cheer up. I'll call you back."

About twenty minutes later, my phone rang. It was Ron. Begrudgingly, I answered. "Hi, Shannon. I'm sorry. I was at the wrong house. Cass told me thirty-six, fifty-six. He says he didn't, but that's bullshit. I know I wrote it down right." OK, seriously, HOW many people do you know with an address like 3666? Umm…I would guess not many. It's pretty distinctive. I don't think that many people get the numbers confused. I'd put up the street name too, since it just makes everything more comical, but this is being posted in a public place and anyone could read this…even that lady from Round Table. Anyway…

So, Ron told me that he would come by to see what he needed and would return to replace the sink on Sunday. THANK THE FUCKING LORD!!! Carrying 30lbs. of wet towels to the laundry room was getting a little old. He arrived just before five, on a bicycle. Yes, on a bicycle.

Call me an idiotic optimist, but I really hoped that he was just out, trying to get some fresh air and exercise, rather than having a bicycle for transportation. It was Saturday afternoon after all. In retrospect, the fact that he DID remind me of Ernest (Goes to Camp, Goes to Jail, "Know what I mean, Vern?") should have been an indication otherwise. Regardless, I was sure he'd make his way to my house, with my new sink, somehow.

My phone woke me up at nine on Sunday morning. It was Ron, of course. He said that he'd be over around noon. Well, now that he had the right house, everything should run smoothly, right. Nope. He called at noon and said that he was having problems with his ride and asked if one of us could run him over to Home Depot when he got here. I asked Eddie and, although he was pissed, he agreed.

Ron arrived a little while later, turned the water off to the house and ripped (literally) the old sink out of the wall. He and Eddie left for Home Depot and I felt relieved. It was almost over. A short while later, my phone rang. Guess who! Yep, Ron. He didn't have enough money to pay for the parts and asked if I could bring him $20. WTF?! OK. Well, if that was the last of my suffering, it wasn't TOO bad.

After we got back to the house, Ron started working on getting the new sink installed. He came into the living room and asked if I had a large wrench. I didn't think I did and asked Eddie if he did. Looking VERY irritated, he informed me that all of his tools were at work. I decided to check the kitchen drawer because I never know what's in there anyway. I returned with a large pipe wrench. (I still have no idea why I have one of those.)

A little while later, Ron asked if I had another wrench. Apparently, he had broken one of his. Much to my surprise, I did have another pipe wrench. I watched him struggle to get a pipe off of the old sink. (Note: old parts aren't supposed to be used again, but whatever) He couldn't get it off and I asked if we needed to make another trip to Home Depot. YAY, I get to give this random dude a ride and loan him MORE money to fix something that I am not supposed to pay for! So, we went back.

After Ron and I returned, Logan, Eddie, and I sat down to have dinner. Have you ever had dinner interrupted repetitively by a person asking you for things like PVC, pipe saws, and duct tape? I'm sure you haven't, but I have! We just kind of rolled our eyes and hoped it would all be over soon and it was. Ron informed us that he was done and would be back in a few days to patch up and paint the wall. Finally, it was over! After he left, I went in to look at the sink. I opened the cabinet and saw…electrical tape holding my pipes together?!?! WTF? Seriously…W…T…F?!!

I called Cass the next day to let him know what had happened. He didn't sound surprised at all, which was kind of disturbing. He informed me that "we all have out shortcomings". WTF?! Of course, I could deduct all of the money that I loaned, to Ron, from the upcoming rent.

A few days later, I was doing laundry and dishes at the same time. When the washer switched to the spin cycle and started to drain, the water backed up into my kitchen sink. OH JOY! Well, this time Cass had me call the actual plumber and not Ron. I was very happy about this…until…the exact same guy showed up at my house and asked what happened with my sink…